Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
