Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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