Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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