The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
