just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
