the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
