I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
