I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
