Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
even my farts smell like vagina
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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