Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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