Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
