The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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