Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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