I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
