Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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