he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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