I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
