This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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