My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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