I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's shark week go big or go home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
