Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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