woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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