Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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