I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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