oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
