I am puke
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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