Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize