Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
