I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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