Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
