Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
