Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
