my shit smells like andre
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize