I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
