the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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