i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
