his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
