at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
