I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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