My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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