I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He did a backflip because drugs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
