farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
