He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
