Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize