I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
