Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
