I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
