No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
