Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
