Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
