oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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