Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I stole a fireplace last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize