I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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