Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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